I don’t want to grow up

Does anyone remember the song from the Toys’R’Us commercials?  I don’t want to grow up, I’m a Toys’R’Us kid.  Well, I’m not a Toys’R’Us kid anymore.  For the last 4 months, basically since right after I turned 36 yrs old, I’ve been thinking about the fact that I am 36 yrs old and now, as of Monday, 1/3 of the way to 37 yrs old.  I don’t feel like I’m 36 yrs old.  I hope, truly, truly hope, that I don’t look like I’m 36.  This is the saddest funny or funniest sad (or some combination of both) thing EVER.  You see, as a kid I *ALWAYS* wanted to be older than I was.  Not just at the normal times, like right before I was gonna be able to get my driver’s license or before I turned 21 yrs old and could finally, legally drink alcohol in a bar or buy it at a store.  Even during college, I wanted the time to go by faster so that my “real” life could start.  Well, ooohhhh how my thoughts have changed. 

I’m not saying that I don’t love my life.  I do.  VERY much.  It is everything that I ever wanted as a child, as a young woman, and as a grown woman.  As with most people, I had dreams about what life would be like when I grew up… well mine is exactly what I wanted it to be.  I always wanted to be married ~and stay married~, have children and a house that they could grow up in.  I wanted to be able to be there for them; to be involved in their school & activities.  I wanted to have a nice car and enough money that we didn’t have to worry about the bills.  I always wanted to be able to save money for my children’s college education so they wouldn’t have to get loans or work while trying to go to school. 

I have all that.  And I am incredibly grateful, thankful, and appreciative. 

I just didn’t realize that it would start to go by so quickly.  Hours turn into days and days turn into weeks and weeks turn into months and then before I can even conceive of it, another year has gone by.  So what is this strange thing that’s happening to me?  Why am I now starting to question what’s happening with my life?  Like the minute I turned 36 some switch flipped on in my brain making me evaluate and re-evaluate the direction of my life.  Is it the fact that I am (if I’m really lucky) half way thru my life?  Of course, no one knows for sure how much time they’ve got left.  Which makes me consider what else I want to do with my life. 

This, rightfully, leads me to the thought that we don’t get a second chance at this life.  And we may not have any other lives to live, depending on your particular philosophy.  I don’t have any regrets about what has happened so far.  I certainly don’t want to have any regrets when I’m 70ish and looking back on what I did with my time here on Earth.  I feel like I just haven’t done everything that I wanted to do.  But that’s odd because if I really wanted to do them, then why haven’t I?  It feels sort of hazy or imprecise, like I can’t place my finger on what seems to be undone.  I just know that I want time to slow down.  I don’t want to feel like I’m running out of time.  I don’t want to grow up any more. 

All right, enough for now,



1 Response to “I don’t want to grow up”

  1. 1 Bobby September 16, 2009 at 3:24 pm

    Wow. Thanks for this. It is exactly how I feel at this point in my life. I will be 36 in November. A week feels like a couple of days, a month like a week. Crazy. Just wanted to say thanks for the article, it really resonated.

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